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Spotting Wiccans: This information could save a Christian life!
Submitted by Kevin © on Fri, 06/19/2009 - 5:07am.
Appearance: Wiccans are generally overweight and of pale complexion. If they are not pale, they use powder or makeup (even the boys!) to generate the illusion of paleness or death.
Wiccans are given to the piercing of skin as a sign of submission to their master, Satan. Look for multiple piercing and piercing in peculiar places like the nose, cheeks, eyebrows, lips, fingertips, chin, forehead, tongue, and on the shocking devil’s tip of the ear!
Some Wiccans pierce their genitals as well. If you happen to peek over into the stall next to you and see a urination stream spraying in three directions (to mock the Trinity), it is likely the person is a Wiccan who just had the tip of his penis carefully pierced by his coven leader. (NOTE: Most coven leaders are either Catholic priests or tattoo parlor owners)
Wiccans are under a contract with Satan to wear black. It is one of the first things they learn when they are indoctrinated into their cult. You can spot them mostly in leather, lace, black fingernail polish, eye makeup, and lipstick.
Some Wiccans even wear black underwear! But since you are a Christian, you won’t have to see that unless you capture one.
It is a well-known fact that Wiccans only bathe once a month, as such; they have a distinctively unpleasant odor they try to hide by wearing perfumes like patchouli or wolf’s bane.
Wiccans wear lots of silver jewelry that is never clean. If you see someone wearing rings, amulets, broaches, or necklaces caked with green mold, most likely that person is a Wiccan.
Skills: Wiccans usually bring home better grades at school than most of their peers. This is not because they are more intelligent, but rather because they cheat by casting spells and hexes on their teachers.
Their master (Satan) is also highly adept at moving their pudgy little fingers in the right direction on a test paper. It is also important to note here that if a Wiccan is sober enough to vote, it will always be for a Democrat.
The word "democrat" is closely associated with the word, "demon." Most True Christians® commonly refer to Democrats as "Demoncrats" and already keep a firearm handy during election time, so this information might be redundant for some.
Behavior: Most Wiccans congregate in groups that prey on loners. They are generally a quiet lot because they are constantly thinking about new ways to kidnap True Christian® children and drain their bodies of blood.
Wiccans like to purchase knives and swords from master Wiccan craftsmen who camp out at Renaissance Festivals (Renaissance Festivals are run by the Catholic Church - LBC Creation Science Vatican Study, 1983, pg 114-127).
It's a preference of blade over gun because a good part of their satanic ritual includes a precise cutting of Christian flesh into bite-size Jesus steaks that are oftentimes smoked and cured into what Wiccans jokingly call, "Jesus Jerky."
These fat little demons get a real hellish kick out of sitting around their school lunch table, nibbling on Christian flesh while classmates look on unaware.
Wiccans are also known to tear out pages from the Bible (especially pages that have red writing on them). They use them to roll marijuana cigarettes into something they refer to as "a joint."
The Wiccan Bond To Satan: Most Wiccans will tell you that they don't believe in Satan. Ha! True Christians® know you don't have to believe in Satan to follow him.
The the truth is that anyone who is not following Jesus, is following Satan whether they believe in him or not. What many young Wiccans don't know is that, like the Mormon Church, the higher ups (Wiccans refer to them as "Elite Warlocks, Blood Guards, and Litch Kings") keep their flock in the dark about the real Satanic Wiccan agenda.
You'd think that by drinking all that Christian blood they would know something was amiss! Sadly, most Wiccans have been placed under a trance by their coven leaders and it's only when they reach a certain level in their training that the trance is lifted, and by then it is way too late for any hope!.
If you've read up to this point, you should have enough information to help you spot a Wiccan. We hope you find the details provided here, useful.
We've done all of this, free of charge. If you'd like to continue your education and learn how to stalk, hunt, and trap live Wiccans, we suggest you purchase a copy of Pastor Deacon Fred’s new book: Wicca: Intoxicated By Christian Blood - now available at your local Bible bookstore ($49.99. Autographed first edition hardcover - $129.99).
The information placed on this website is a high level summary from chapter one of Pastor's book.
The Horrifying Secrets of WICCA Revealed in Our Incredible Bestselling New Book:
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Stuff God Hates: #47 Rich People
Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!
I am the Lord your God. If you be a rich man or woman, I hate your stupid guts and I will punish you for the wealth I have given you. I am the Lord your God.
In My first book I made it quite clear that I hate rich people and all that they represent. Their hearts are greedy - their minds are arrogant - their souls are dumb. Two thousand years ago I said that it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than it is for a rich man to get into the Kingdom of Me.
And nowadays I tell you it is even more impossible for a rich man to get into Heaven. Adjusted for inflation, now it is easier for a fat lesbian camel high on meth to make it through a complicated Japanese obstacle course than it is for a rich man to get into the Kingdom of Me.
I am the Lord your God. I hate rich people no matter what. No matter how they have earned their wealth – I hate them! I don’t care if they made their money as a professional hitman for Pat Robertson himself - I hate them!
They have forgotten Me; they give all the glory of their success to their stupid human brains - I hate them! I am the Lord your God.
But I hear you think; what about all the great leaders from the Bible I blessed with wealth? Is there not a single rich person I love? NO!
King David? Abraham? Job? I used each one of those rich bastards to My advantage; nothing more, nothing less. I punished each one of those chumps with My vicious genital warts smite! Go ahead, look it up.
The rich covet gold above all else, but they will get what they deserve. Be it a sudden gang raping by a roving pack of homeless homosexuals, or just simple bankruptcy and public humiliation; fear not, for I promise you they shall get what they deserve.
Bunch of rich, pompous assholes…think they’re so smart! I tell you it brings Me such sublime joy to crush a rich person down into nothingness. And the vast hordes of banker-bastards and wall street schmucks I have smoten in the last several weeks has brought Me an intense happiness and fulfillment I have not felt since the flood.
Why, just today I finished My smite on this one smug super-douchey investment banker I hate. Tonight he became so distraught at losing his job and having his Mercedes repossessed that he shot himself, his wife and his three kids. It was a beautiful thing to see.
If you are reading this and you are a rich person, I warn you: if you wish to avoid eternal damnation and smitation you must give away your ridiculous trinkets and give all your money to Me and cast yourself down into the dregs of the middle class.
I repeat: I command all you rich assholes out there to give Me all your wealth and worldly possessions or else I shall be forced to reach down into your stomach and rip out your intestines through your throat. Well, perhaps not literally - perhaps I will just have you lose your cushy Wall Street job and transform you into some lame Honda salesman in Hackensack, NJ - but at any rate this is what your punishment will feel like to you when it comes.
I am the Lord your God. I tell you there is not a single rich human* on the planet that I do not detest. They are all total a-holes. I am the Lord your God.
* I hate rich humans, but have no problem with rich animals (such as ducks). However, cats filthy rich from crazy-cat-lady inheritance money must be shot on sight. I am the Lord your God.
FAMILY ACTION ALERT:"Wii" is Oriental for: "I Having Orgasm!"
Freehold, Iowa - Decent Christian Americans are thanking God for single Baptist mother, home school teacher, and Mike Huckabee campaigner, Ms. Tawny Huxton, who came home from Wal-Mart last week to find her teenage daughter, Holly, and her girlfriends laying on the couch in the family room with their skirts over their heads. When Ms. Huxton approached for a closer look, she could see tiny infra-red beams of light coming directly out from between each of the young ladies' legs.
"I yelled, WHAT IN THE SWEET NAME OF JESUS?!" Ms. Huxton recalls. "When they saw me standing there, they screamed and pulled the Wii controllers I bought Holly for Christmas out from between their legs! Then they tried to hide them under the cushions while they were fiddling with their skirts."
The next day, while her daughter was at Sunday School, Ms. Huxton put the wet controllers in a plastic bag and packaged up the Wii console. She brought them to Pastor Deacon Fred, who after opening the bag to take a quick whiff, immediately delivered them to the Landover Baptist Secular Media Research Laboratory.
"When we confirmed there were vaginal secretions on the video game controllers, we issued a Yellow Action Alert to Focus on the Family," said Professor Dr. Donald Rawlings. "We also contacted our Christian friend in Japan, Masaru Hayate, to see if he could provide us with more details about the popular Wii video game console. In addition, our researchers started reviewing Japanimation films and Asian adult videos, searching desperately for more information."
After several days, researchers were able to confirm what their Christian intuition had already been telling them. "'Oriental woman use the exclamation, 'Wii,' when they experience extreme pleasure during a sexual encounter outside of marriage," Dr. Rawlings reports. "In many cases the term is also exaggerated or drawn out. For example: 'Wiiiiii!' Our friend in Japan tells us that Wii consoles and their vibrating controllers are found in brothels, sex-shops, and gentleman's clubs - or 'strip parlors,' throughout the island of Japan."
"The Japs are at it again," Pastor Deacon Fred told church members on Sunday. "I let President Bush know from the very beginning that he needs to keep a keen eye on our so-called Asian allies to the East. They still hold a grudge against our Christian Nation because Jesus let us blow up their cities in World War II.
We should have seen this coming, since the name of the console itself is an anagram for WWII. They were just trying to be fiendishly subtle, by dropping the first 'W' and calling it WII," he said. "Friends, we can't drop our guard on the Japs.
They used Pokémon to get at our children in the 90's, and since we were savvy enough to call their bluff on that nonsense, they began working on another way to destroy our Godly country from the inside out! The Wii gaming system comes off as neatly packaged family fun, but the Devil's fingerprints are all over it!"..............................
;)
must reread, so must get tea. Is this real?
Is "Welcome to Jesusland", now making the demons, Wiccans"?
Stuff God Hates: #15 Science
Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!
In this entry I will focus on something that makes Me so mad, I just can’t even…say it…aargghh!! DAMN YOU SCIENCE! DAMN YOU TO HELL!
Whew…ok…I feel better now. I always feel a lot better after damning things I hate to hell. And I think this blog-therapy has really been paying off in My Temper lately. Like, a couple of hours ago I could’ve totally killed this dumb baby I hate, but I was like, whatevs! I’ll let it live.
For now. But back to the subject at hand – stupid damned pagan science!
I, the Lord your God, despise science and all things sciencey. Scientists, the scientific method, laboratories, lab rats, the periodic table, Bill Nye - they’re all going to hell when they die.
Facts, evidence, hypotheses - BAH! These things show a disturbing lack of faith in My Divine Wisdom. I mean, the gall! The utter gall it takes for man to try to figure out the universe I created. I gotta say, it’s pretty galling!
Put yourself in My Position. Imagine you made your very own ant-farm.
You designed it from top to bottom, filled it with ants, and set about the joy of watching them kill each other. And then what do your stupid ants do? Get all sciencey and stuck-up on you!
Ugh. I hate every last one of those smug, self-satisfied scientists. Think they’re so smart! You probably think they’re smart too. Smarter than Me even. Well you’re not gonna think they’re so smart after they accidentally blow up the planet this summer.
Yup, you won’t be thinking much at all after that, because you’ll be dead. Well anyway, there’s just not enough time for Me to discuss the many things I hate about science in this post. Just know that in general, I hate science.
It is dumb. Really, really, really, really dumb. And it’s never proven anything.
American Christian Heritage Month™ The Lost Treasure of Slavery
Freehold, Iowa - Everyone here knows the story of the first Landover Baptists - how they traveled in three boats across the Atlantic Ocean in 1612. Them boats was chock full of first edition King James 1611 Bibles, stolen right under the nose of the old King himself!
Glory! When our folks landed on Plymouth Rock, they didn't sodomize each other to stay warm through the first winter like the rest of them Pilgrims did! No sir!
They were out winning the souls of Injun savages before the first flake of snow even fell! Well, it's lucky for us that we come from a long line of soul winners because as the story goes, it was a few of them new Jesus lovin' savages who led our ancestors to the "land over in the west," as our founding father, Pastor Enoch Smith was so fond of saying.
Each of us here in this church today can trace our blood line directly back to one or two members of those first Baptist families that braved the trip over uncharted territories into the glorious land which God had carefully prepared for us since the dawn of time.
That land would later become known as the state of Iowa. When Lewis and Clark made their way to land over in the West, I'm sure they were quite surprised to find a thriving community of True Christians™ already settled in that area! You all know how the story goes - Lewis and Clark promised to keep our community a secret, and in turn they were allowed to play one round of golf at our Baptist country club (the first club of its kind in America I might add) and rest at our Christian day spa before continuing on their perilous journey. My friends, did you know we are the only Americans to ever have a free hold on land over in the west. We were the first Christians to bring the love of Jesus Christ to the savages we'd later call, "Injuns," and then "American Injuns."
We used the blood of these feather-headed folks to print a fresh batch of Bibles when we ran out of ink in 1704! Them red skins even helped us dig up the bones of their unsaved ancestors we found in pagan burial grounds that just happened to be sitting on prime real estate.
Even though our founding fathers saved those Injuns from an eternity in Hell, we never got any thanks from them, and we still don't!
We were kind enough to erect our first chapel right on top of one of their burial grounds and they are still protesting about it today! That first chapel was called, "The Holy Land Over in the West Baptist Church." Did you know that the church you are sitting in today is actually the fifth of our main Sanctuaries?
The original chapel from 1632 was moved to another location in order to provide space for a parking lot at the Landover Christian Mall in 1964. As members of this church, you have much to be proud of! American Christian Heritage Month always brings back memories.
Some memories I'm fond of, and others, I'd just as soon forget. I remember I was just starting out as a young preacher here when federal marshals raided our community in 1971 and told us that we had to start paying our black servants.
Those were some tough times, my friends. To lose such a national treasure as slavery! We never thought we'd get on without our house monkeys. God bless our Negroes. They were so much in love with our Jesus that they were willing to work for free for another 10 years.
It wasn't until that high yellow son of an Injun, and former dishwasher, Al Sharpton, got the ACLU involved that we even had to pay them a dime!
Well, thank God most of our coloreds are saved, because they will be working to serve the Saints of Landover Baptist in Heaven for free in eternity. So I don't fret about having to give 'em a few dollars in this world, cause I know when we get to Glory, it's gonna to be just like the old days.
There won't be no liberals up there to raise no trouble, neither!....................
If it is on the Internet ... It is TRUE 8-)
;)
Submitted by Ms_Anthrope on Fri, 06/19/2009 - 5:23am.
must reread, so must get tea. Is this real?
Is "Welcome to Jesusland", now making the demons, Wiccans"?
PROTECTING IGNORANT XTIANS FROM HOMOSEXUAL PREDATORS
TAMPONS: "Satan's Little Cotton Fingers!"
Landover Ladies Vow to "Stop Satan From Pulling The Strings!"
Ladies of Landover member Mrs. Taffy Davenport-Gaines Crockett, visiting the Landover Christian Pharmacy recently to refill the church tract display, happened upon a shocking sight.
A young woman was visibly upset and arguing loudly with pharmacist Emma Mae Martin. What Mrs. Crockett discovered next sickened her unto the point of nausea. "The young woman was trying to buy tampons," Mrs. Crockett said, barely able to hold back tears. "I snatched that girl by the hair and pulled her outside... there were children present! Can you imagine how they'd be damaged by hearing such evil ideas?"
“I explained to this young lady that we do not carry such phallic devices as tampons and when attending to her monthly curse," Mrs. Martin said, adding that "Satan himself controls the manufacturing of those things." The young woman then began to verbally abuse her, she said.
"A Godly woman is only to use a Maxi-Pad," Mrs. Crockett stated. "Why, they even have them with little angel wings now! I handed her a box and told her unless she wanted my handprint across her face she was never to utter that evil T word again!” The as yet unidentified woman then fled the store in humiliation.
Landover Security sketch artists are preparing a likeness to aid in identifying the young woman. Her salvation status is unknown, but based on this event, it is likely she is Hellbound.
"Toxic Shock Syndrome is God's way of punishing unsaved harlots who choose Satan’s cotton fingers over a Godly pad," Pastor Deacon Fred stated upon hearing of the event. "These playthings of Satan are created under the guise of a ladies hygiene product to bring unsuspecting women and young girls to the fold of the Devil."
Church members are commanded to talk to your teen-age daughters, and search their rooms if you have to. "Souls are at stake and God is taking names," added Pastor Wiley.
Mrs. Crockett has organized the Ladies of Landover Phone Bank to spread the word, and has called for both a letter writing protest campaign and a boycott on all stores who are found to carry these satanic sexual devices. Manufacturers who create such vile products will also be targeted for salvation, or, failing that, closure.
Mrs. Crockett has secured six 24-foot trucks for use in her new ministry, "Stop Satan From Pulling The Strings." She and the other Ladies of Landover plan a nationwide tour, going city to city, pulling what she calls "The Devil's delight" from store shelves once clerks are distracted. Upon the ladies' return, Mrs. Crockett plans a large bonfire.
“We shall pray over the flames as we watch these evil devices go back to the fiery pits of hell from whence they came,” Mrs. Crockett said during her church news conference, adding, "these things are created by Satan for pleasure, and young women are succumbing to the Devil without even realizing it.
This is one battle Satan will NOT win!" Her statements drew a standing ovation from the congregation.
All church members are encouraged to join in the BBQ and bring a covered dish as we celebrate yet another Victory over Satan. Marshmallows for roasting over the bonfire will be provided by The Ladies of Landover. Due to the nature of this event, the roasting of hot dogs will be prohibited for obvious reasons.
It's Not Gambling If It's For Jesus!
FREEHOLD, IOWA - The grand opening of Landover Baptist’s $27 million Christian Casino & Resort, “The Golden Plate,” drew in thousands of religious high rollers last Saturday night. Christian leaders who love the thrill of gaming were treated to hours of entertainment and relaxation as they increased their weekly tithe up to 25, 50, and in some cases even 100%.
After an uplifting and luxurious church service in the Golden Plate’s plush chapel the next Sunday morning, platinum tithers were pampered like the Lord’s own angels with a seven course brunch, a poolside concert by the Landover Baptist String Quartet, mud baths, massages, and a personal invitation to the Pastor’s table at dinner.
Then it was back to the casino to tithe away their Saturday winnings after Sunday night’s 11 P.M. church service. “This whole thing is just a great opportunity for vacationing Christians to give a little bit back to Jesus and have a whole heck of a lot of fun doing it,” laughs Pastor Deacon Fred, the religious genius behind the concept. “What unsaved people don’t understand, and we get some flack for their ignorance,” explains Pastor Deacon Fred, “is that when a True Christian® person or True Christian® establishment wins money on horse races, King Solomon Style® - casino gambling, or sports betting, the Lord doesn’t look at it as “true gambling.”
It’s not gambling if the winnings go to a church owned business or to a Baptist person. At The Golden Plate Christian Casino and Resort in Freehold Iowa, it’s always Jesus who wins!
He doesn't place a limit on how much a person can tithe and quite frankly, if a Christian sitting at one of our tables is willing to tithe away their entire life savings, we're not going to stop them.”
Secular casino owners are already getting nervous that the Golden Plate is going to start a nationwide trend. “They don’t have to have any gambling licenses,” explains one secular casino executive, “since they are a non-profit organization, all of the money is tax free, wins and loses. It’s f---(non-Christian word)ing genius!........................
Stuff God Hates: #70 Condoms
Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!
I’d like to reaffirm once and for all My Position on the wrapping up of dicks in plastic for sex – I HATE IT!
Condoms are wicked! In the first place, they make sex feel like you’re fucking a plastic-covered couch.
Condoms are murderers! They wrap themselves around a penis and slaughter billions upon billions of innocent sperm. Each one of those sperm was specifically designed by Me to grow up to worship Me. Condoms prevent the spread of Christian sperm!
Even worse, they prevent the spread of HIV! And AIDS! IN AFRICA! This is a clear violation of My Divine Will.
Condoms are not ok for anyone to use, but they’re especially not ok for Africans. They’re the ones most at risk of catching HIV! As the Pope said, it’s a “clear moral prohibition” to even consider giving condoms to a bunch of monkey-fucking Africans.
The condom is in direct violation of My Divine Penis Decree!*
Condoms say it is alright to fuck anyone you want and get away with it without getting either a baby or a disease. But condoms are wrong! I, THE ALMIGHTY GOD, say that sex should always feel awesome, and it should always have dire consequences.
In My Opinion, there are only two acceptable ways for humans to have guilt-free sex: either don’t have sex at all, or only have sex with the little boys.
I, The Almighty Lord, have spoken.
——————————————————–
*When I first created the penis, it was only to be used for pissing. Then when I created woman, I gave Adam’s penis the ability to transform into a spear for baby-making. The whole sex thing was really all kind of an afterthought. And ever since it has caused nothing but trouble!
It all began when Adam gained his first erection. The first thing he did was smack Eve in the face with it. She rather liked this, and before long this was all he was doing with it. He was smacking it on rocks, on trees, on birds, it was a disgrace.
So I personally had to show Adam how to use his penis. I fucked Eve in front of him, and spent several hours showing him over and over again how to jam the penis inside the woman. After I was done, he was eager to try, but Eve said she couldn’t handle any more and hid behind a boulder. A couple days later she was ready but was very itchy down there on account of the herpes I had given her.
I commanded Adam to fuck her, but he became very afraid. So I created a Divine Penis Protector for him made out of lambskin, pinecones, and thorns. He had intercourse with Eve who was seriously injured and bled profusely. After I got done laughing at her, Adam told Me that the sex was a bit uncomfortable.
From that point on I decreed that the penis should ALWAYS enter unto the vagina unfettered and free from encumbrances.
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