DEAR SAMUEL,

I understand that possibly you don't celebrate Christmas, and I'm fine with that.  You seem like a good person anyway.  I do celebrate Christmas.  Not for Christ's sake so much as I am a non-believer of that sort of stuff.  Rather I celebrate the joy of the season, the Winter Equinox festival of Saturnalia and such.  One of my favorite traditions is the joy of giving, which predates Christianity by thousands of years. 

It is with that spirit that I repeat:  you are a lousy business man for a Jew. 

I have no problem going online to dozens of Jewish owned and managed websites that sell cameras and MP3 presents with Christmas time discounts but I can't buy a damn thing here.  You are condemning my family, friends, and neighbors to receive this "Go Fuck Yourself" tee with that horrid picture of Dick.   I'm sure my mom thanks you for forcing this situation.  Can't you get your neighbors to carton some apples that you can ship at ridiculous rates? 

Or spit polish some blue balls and hobby shop paint those bastards up with a little sharpie signature.   Now how hard would that be?  Make a few dozen of them and sell them at Neiman Marcus rates if you want.  They will go faster than Karl Rove's cookies at a Dennis Hastert farewell luncheon.

Easier still, official Sam Seder jump drives preloaded with some of your favorite shows.  Simple, classy and who can't use a jump drive?

Now I know that may open  you up to a bit of criticism as people refer back to some of your earlier work waging a war on Christmas.

But you can easily fix that with this  Elf Torture kit:

Or invent your own.  You might be surprised what you can do with a bit of rope, garden elves, and a waterboard table.

See, you are rumored to have creativity of legendary proportions.  Use it damn it!